Episode #10 Ė ďMr. WuĒ


(Morning, at the hardware store)


Sol:††††† (sighs - Makes thumb gesture towards door.)

Seth:†† (under breath) Yeah.What was in my mind to raise my hand?

Sol:††††† Anyways, time for breakfast.

Seth:†† You go ahead.

Sol:††††† Bullshit.Come on.


(Seth gets up, claps his hands as if to say ďI wash my hands clean of thisĒ and puts on his hat, coatÖstarts to door then doubles back for the paper.They leave.)


Seth:†† (sighs) Would a letter to the paper be an idea?Same time I give the proposal to


Sol:††††† Yes.

Seth:†† Marshal public sentiment in favor, maybe fence Ďem in a little.

Sol:††††† Excellent approach.

Seth:†† Goddamn quicksand is what these commissioners positions amount to.

Sol:††††† Yes, they do.

Seth:†† Itís all a hoot and a holler to you though, ainít it. Sol?

Sol:††††† No, it isnít.

Seth:†† (Sees Farnum) Jesus Christ.

E.B.:††† Breakfast vittles at the ready, gentlemen.

Sol:††††† Mayor.

Seth:†† As far as use for the fees to be levied on businesses, I worked a proposal up on a permanent infirmary and a camp dump.

E.B.:††† The first use for those fees is payiní bribes to the legislature.Their bag manís in transit.

Seth:†† Well, if thereís anything fuckiní left.

E.B.:††† Why, Mr. Bullock, you sound like you want to wring my neck. (chuckles) Weíll submit your ideas, Bullock, and by all means, Iíll take them under advisement.Always glad to hear from the camp health commissioner.

Seth:†† (To Sol as EB walks away) Give the idea to the damn paper first.

Sol:††††† tsk.(WTF? Tsk?More like a cluck or that sound you make when you wink your eye and point to someone with a finger gun.)


(They enter restaurant Ė EB is crossing the street, we hear a horse neighing)


E.B.:††† Please, take your passage.Cocksucker.(He stops and looks shocked) What is this celestial doiní approachiní the Gemís front door?(Sees the titlicker approach the Gem) The titlicker.


(Mr. Wu enters the front door of the Gem Ė Johnny comes running up to him.)


Johnny:†††††††††† Whoa Ė whoa Ė whoa Ė whoa Ė whoa Ė whoa!Stop where the fuck you are, Mr. Wu.

Mr. Wu: †††††††† Sweígen.

Johnny:†††††††††† Yeah, well Iíll get Mr. ďSweígen,Ē but first, you gotta walk the fuck out and come around the back.

Mr. Wu:††††††††† (Crosses arms Ė battle ready) Sweígen.

Johnny:†††††††††† Uh, no, no! No! (Running to the front doors Ė closing them) No, closed for a while.Lick Later.(Yelling up to the office) We got us a situation here, Al!(Gestures to Mr. Wu) Come in the front fuckiní door.

Al:†††††† Bring him up.

Johnny:†††††††††† You want me to take him out and bring him around back?

Al:†††††† Bring him the fuck up.

Johnny:†††††††††† Come on, Mr. Wu.Come on.


(Up in Alís office Ė surprise surprise, heís urinating in his chamber pot)


Johnny: ††††††††† (clears throat)

Al:†††††† Put him in the chair and get out, Johnny.

Johnny:†††††††††† Sit.Sit!He wonít sit.

Al:†††††† (To Johnny) Get out.

Johnny:†††††††††† Yes, sir.

Al:†††††† What is it, Wu?

Mr. Wu:††††††††† (drawing) (ďspeaking foreign language Ė Keone must hate CC Ė Iím trying to interpret this phonically) Tongyun Ė Tsok Tsai


Johnny: (To Dan) Do you think I should open it back up?

Dan:††† I believe thatís what Al would want.(Shakes head likes heís thinking ďJohnny, youíre a stupid fuck)


(Johnny opens the doors to an impatient titlicker and E.B. Ė Dan motions to the whores

who giggle and head to the titlicker room)


Dan:††† Mayor.

E.B.:††† August commencement to my administrationÖ(To Johnny) Stand stymied outside a saloon, beside a degenerate titlicker.


(Back in Alís office Ė heís looking at Mr. Wuís sketch)


Al:†††††† Now, the---this---this is one of you, huh?

Mr. Wu:††††††††† (phonically, again Ė sorry!) Hough, Tong yun n tong yun (karate chop and slit across throat)

Al:†††††† Oh, theóthis is him dead?

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Au.HoÖHeyan.

Al:†††††† And these two.

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Bok Gwai LoÖcocksucka!

Al:†††††† Yeah, glad I taught you that fuckiní word.These are whites, huh?

Mr. Wu:††††††††† uh, white cocksucka! (Pulls out dope bag)

Al:†††††† Two white cocksuckers killed him and stole the dope that he was bringing to you.

Mr. Wu:††††††††† White cocksucka!You, Sweígen (gestures to the bag and Al)

Al:†††††† The dope that you were gonna fuckiní sell to me?

Mr. Wu:††††††††† White cocksucka.

Al:†††††† These two white cocksuckers?Who the fuck did it?

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Wu!

Al:†††††† Who, you ignorant fuckiní chink!

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Wu?!

Al:†††††† Who?!Who?!Who stole the fucking dope?!

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Cocksucka!

Al:†††††† Aw, Jesus.


Johnny:†††††††† Those are the first ďcocksuckersĒ I have ever heard shouted from that room, Dan, that didnít come from Alís mouth that wasnít followed by Al cominí over to that railiní, pointiní at you and beckoning you up them stairs with your fuckiní knife.


(Titlicker comes out with his hanky to his mouth wiping it clean)


E.B.:††† I begrudge that pervert his capacity for happiness.I do.

Johnny:†††††††††† (Looking up at the office) Them people worship a fat man seated on his ass.


Al:†††††† You listen to me, hmm?Listen. (Tugs ear) I (hand shadowing eyes, turns head side to side) find cocksuckers (Points to drawing).I find.(Repeats hand eye motion)I find dope (holds dope bag out) and cocksuckers (points to drawing) who steal (pulls dope bag to chest) fuckiní dope, huh?(Throws dope bag down)

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Cocksucka.

Al:†††††† Oh, yeah.(Walking Wu down the stairs) Iíll find those fucking cocksuckers.Now get the fuck out of here, Wu. The back way, you understand?The back way, or weíll start getting people having the wrong fucking idea of things around here, huh?(Slaps Mr. Wu on the back Ė Mr. Wu gives him a look like ďdid you just fucking touch me?ĒHe then leaves through the back door, pausing when he gets to the whores, disgusted that he has to pass through them to leave)

Al:†††††† (To Dan) Whereís the dope fiend?

Dan:††† I ainít seen Jimmy Irons in three or four days.

Al:†††††† Fucking find him.(Turns head to E.B.) Morning, E.B.

E.B.:††† Morning, sir.Anything the mayor should know?

Al:†††††† Name of another tailor.


(Johnny smiles Ė Al leaves bar, E.B. scurries after him as Alís heading up the stairs.)


E.B.:††† Didnít we have an engagement to stuff envelopes, Al?

Al:†††††† Not Ďtil I get the currency to stuff Ďem with.


(Out on the mucky street Ė we see Silas arrive in town on horseback, with his ďbutlerĒ)


Merrick:†††††††† (In restaurant Ė clears throat) ďAny person who causes offal, manure, rubbish or filth to be discharged in the common areas of the camp except in the areas designated the camp dump, shall be subject to a fine of not less than a dollar or more (Seth and Alma see each other Ė Seth smiles) than three dollars.Such revenues to be used for dump upkeep and to build and keep up a camp infirmary.Ē(Alma enters, Seth and Sol, men in background, rise.Seth takes hat off to her)

Thatís excellent, Mr. Bullock.

Seth:†† (To Alma) Morniní,

Alma:Good morning, Mr. Bullock.Gentlemen.(Merrick rises, incomfortably)

Sol:††††† Mrs. Garrett.

Merrick:†††††††† Um, good morning, madam.

Sophia:Good Morning!

Merrick:†††††††† And good morning to you, young lady.Itís Mr. Bullockís ideas on uhÖrefuse disposal. (He shows Alma the proposal Ė She looks at it as if she couldnít care less) Uh, it is terribly crowded today.


Merrick:†††††††† We were just remarking just yesterday that it couldnít possibly (Seth nods his head to the exit at the guys across the room). And yet today, it is.(Guys get up Ė Alma immediately directs Sophia to the empty table.)


(Silas dismounts, enters Grand Central Hotel.)


Silas:†† Iím gonna ask after E.B. Farnum.

Richardson (Bearded Cook Guy):††† Mr. Farnumís away from the desk.


(Silas takes a coin out, slides it to Richardson.)


Richardson:††† Gem Saloon, across the way.

Silas:†† Two rooms.

Richardson:††† Thereís no vacancy, sir.


(Silas takes out another coin and places it next to the other.)


Richardson:††† Iíll work it out while you eat.

Silas:†† Thereís a man outside with two horses.You send the man inside, see the horses stabled.Donít ask no fuckiní extra for it.

Richardson:††† Yes, sir.



(Back at the absurd restaurantÖ)


Merrick:†††††††† Mr. Farnumís doing a land office business.Or should I say Mayor Farnum.(Seth is looking at Alma as Merrick says this)

Seth:†† (Looking back to Merrick) Donít, unless you feel you have to.

Merrick:†††††††† That very attractive solitary woman is Miss Joanie Stubbs, a supervisory figure at Cy Tolliverís Bella Union Saloon.

Sol:††††† You cravatís in your bacon.

Merrick:†††††††† Oh.

Silas:(Standing in the food line at the restaurant) Fuck this!(He leaves)

Utter:Agh!Is it fuckiní crowded in here or you just got some big fuckiní feet?Maybe itís the lethal combination of Ďem both.


(E.B. Counting money into envelopes, licking his thumb after placing each bill in itís



EB.:†††† This one legislatorís named on the list you were given twice, Al.Lucalis Childs of Bismark.

Al:†††††† Give him two envelopes.Iíll call him on it if it ever suits my purposes.As damp as your hands are, why do you continuously lick your fuckiní thumb?

EB.:†††† Habit, I suppose.

Al:†††††† Could you learn the habit of lickiní a fuckiní stump?(E.B. chuckles)

EB:††††† If health commissioner Bullock, has his way, some of the levies meant to defray the cost of these payoffs may get diverted.

Al:†††††† To what?

EB:††††† Infirmary for the camp.Garbage dump.

Al:†††††† Well, that type of shitís inevitable.E.B., steal none of this money.

EB:††††† Gratuitous, hurtful and unnecessary.

Al:†††††† When I deal with these cocksuckers down the road.I need to be able to look any one of Ďem in the eye, name what they were paid and know Iím right.

EB:††††† Understood.Intact and undiminished.


(Al sees Silas walk in)


EB:††††† What is it, Al?

Al:†††††† Half a chance this could be him.

EB:††††† The bag man?He wasnít to be here Ďtil tonight.


(Silas approaches)


Silas:†† Nameís Silas Adams.Iím looking for E.B. Farnum.

EB:††††† (Standing up) Iím Mayor E.B. Farnum, Mr. Adams.And this is Al Swearengen.


(E.B. gestures to Al; Al nods his head but doesnít get up.)


Silas:†† Iím to give this to you from Magistrate Claggett, (to E.B. pointing at the envelopes)And youíre to give those to me.

Al:†††††† Pour yourself and your friend a drink!(Silas heads to the bar.)Stop!(Silas turns around)You motherless fucking whores.(E.B. jumps up)

Silas:†† Fuck you!

Al:†††††† Fuck me?!

EB:††††† Gentlemen!

Al:†††††† You know what he says here?

Silas:†† No.You think you shouldíve asked me that before you motherfucked me?

Al:†††††† A double-crossing cocksucker, thatís Magistrate Claggett.

Silas:†† Is that the message you want me to take back to him?

Al:†††††† Thatís the gist of it.Let me put it in a better way before I send you and your mute friend back down the fuckiní trail.

Silas:†† No later than tonight.

Al:†††††† You giviní me a time limit?

Silas:†† Yeah.

Al:†††††† Pussy and whiskey free if you want it.

Silas:†† I make my own arrangements.(Starts to leave, Al nods to E.B. & the envelopes)

EB:††††† Mr. Adams, may I accompany you to my hotel, sir?Mr. Adams?(E.B.ís running out after Silas.Al pounds the table.)

Johnny:†††††††††† Hey, Al.Danís got Jimmy Irons.

Al:†††††† Tell him Iíll receive him in my fucking chambers, Okay?


(Back at the Grand Central HotelÖ)


Richardson:(To hungry miner guy at counter) Get out of here.

Silas:†† You work out the rooms?

Richardson:You gotta share.

Silas:†† Just send up two plates of fuckiní food.

Butler:And donít spit in Ďem, partner.


Joanie:††††††††† Mr. Utter.(Walking up to Charlie Utter in the food line)Iíd Ďbout given up hope.

Utter:Yes.(Following Joanie back to her table, waves at Merrick, Seth and Sol, hangs up his hat on the antlers and sits down.)Mighty kind of you Miss Stubbs.(Sophia is playing peek-a-boo with Utter)

Joanie:††††††††††† Howís the freight business working out?

Utter:All a man could wish for and verging on more than he can handle.

Joanie:††††††††† (chuckles) Glad to hear it.

Utter:(Winks at Sophia Ė she smiles) Howíd you do, uh, looking for your whorehouse?

Joanie:††††††††† I ainít found a spot yet.I guess, to be more honest, Iíd say I found a few.But I ainít settled on one yet, absolutely.

Utter:I see.

Sol:††††† Everyone done?Except now I fear for our lives.

Merrick: ††††††† Iím done.Letís take a nice brisk walk.(Getting up) Shit.Oh God, did I Ė did Iódid I spill on anyone?

Sol:††††† No.

Merrick:†††††††† Sorry.


(Sol tips hat to Joanie, Seth smiles at Alma.)

Utter:Where yíall headed?

Merrick:†††††††† Mmm, gonna take the air. Join us if uh, the opportunity permits.(Jerks head to exit)

Joanie:††††††††††† Itís good to see you, Charlie.Have a good day.

Utter:You too, Miss Stubbs.

Merrick:†††††††† Madam, (To Alma) as crowded as it was yesterday and more so today, it shows no sign of becoming less crowded.(Bends over to pick up his glasses (?) that he dropped)

Guy:††† You mind gettiní your ass out of my shoulder?

Utter:(Slaps guy on the back)You got a rude fuckiní mouth, fella.(Looks up and over, sees Alma and puts a finger to his lips, underbreath:) Uh Ė Ďscuse me.


(Outside on porch)


Merrick:†††††††† Conditions in that dining room have grown increasingly oppressive.(Takes a deep breath and points the way ahead)

Sol:††††† Itís crowded, for a fact.

Seth:†† Price of the campís success.

Utter:That fella was being smart with you, Merrick.Your ass was nowhere near his shoulder.

Merrick:†††††††† Well, whatever my proximity, it was certainly unintentional.

Utter:Well, believe me, I had the angle.

Sol:††††† We was just remarkiní how tight itís all gettiní in there.


(They all step over a drunk, Sol and Merrick in the lead, Seth and Utter behind.)


Merrick:†††††††† Ah, ye how many memories fond to the recollection have their setting in that tight little dining room?

Utter:Yeah, well itís fucked now.

Seth:†† Anyways, we ought to open soon.

Merrick:†††††††† Who would argue that the venue was the cause of these happy memories, nor the bill of fare?The bitter coffee, the rancid bacon, those stale biscuits that were tomb and grave to so many insects. No, gentlemen, it was the meandering conversation, the lingering with men of character, some whom are walking with me now, that were suck pleasure to experience and such a joy now to recall.

Sol:††††† Good of you to say, Mr. Merrick.

Utter:Yeah, back at ya as far as that goes.

Seth:†† Yeah.

Merrick:†††††††† Gentlemen, whatís to prevent up from freeing our friendship from dependence on that little dining room?Relying not on happenstance and appetite to further commence between us, but on our own conscious choice?


(Seth grabs Solís arm)


Utter:Meaniní what?

Merrick:†††††††† Meaning, Mr. Utter, the most informal and disorganized of clubs.

Seth:†† We gotta open, Sol.

Utter:Yeah, I donít join clubs.

Merrick:†††††††† Ah, now, its sole purpose could be just walking together as we are now.

Sol:††††† Well, why donít we just walk together when we happen to be out?

Merrick:†††††††† We could, we could, or we could dedicate ourselves to the principle of walking together.Would itómaybe all we need is a name.

Seth:†† Sol?We gotta open.

Utter:Yeah, I got freight cominí in.

Sol:††††† This was good.I enjoyed this.

Utter:Yeah, weíll do it again.

Seth:†† Morning, Mr. Merrick.

Merrick:†††††††† Thank you, Mr. Bullock.And thank you for the uh, letter to the editor.(Theyíve all left, Merrick is alone on the porch Ė ruminating on his walking club.) The Ambulators.Huh.


(Back in Alís office.)


Al:†††††† Where have you been, Jimmy?

Jimmy:††††††††† So fuckiní sick, Mr. Swearengen.Chills, fever.

Al:†††††† Yeah, I hear it still in your chest.

Jimmy:††††††††††† Couple times, felt like turniní my face to the fuckiní wall.

Al:†††††† Fuckiní pale you are, too.

Jimmy:††††††††† IóIíve rounded the corner, though.Plan for my return today or tomorrow.

Al:†††††† Wuís opium courier was robbed.

Jimmy:††††††††† Oh, is that so?Well, was it money they got or dope?

Al:†††††† All his fuckiní dope.

Jimmy:††††††††† Uh-oh, so you didnít get your resupply?

Al:†††††† No.

Jimmy:††††††††† Had you any laid by?

Al:†††††† No, sir.Uh-oh, hey, Jimmy?

Jimmy:††††††††† It sounds like Iím in for a dry time.(sighs) Some more aches and pains cominí up for me.Uh, when Wu suppose he hear again from California?(Al shake his head) Can he even make himself understood to you?Iím that amazed how the fuck you and him can make yourselves understood anyway to each other. (chuckles)

Al:†††††† Jimmy, what become of the dope fiend faro dealer that I hired to apprise me of what transpired over at Tolliverís?

Jimmy:††††††††† Uh, Leon?

Al:†††††† Leon, thatís right.

Jimmy:††††††††† Geez, he just disappeared, didnít he?Where the fuck has he got to?

Al:†††††† Youíve been wrong ever since you walked in here.You know that, Jimmy, donít you?

Jimmy:††††††††† Well, like I said, sir, I feel like hell.

Al:†††††† Is that what I mean?

Jimmy:††††††††† Well, what do you mean, Mr. Swearengen?

Al:†††††† You been lyiní, Jimmy.(inhales audibly) Smell of catís piss, in this room is so bad, I want to burn down the fuckiní building.(inhales & exhales audibly)

Jimmy:††††††††† IóIím nervous, sir.Iím always nervous around you.

Al:†††††† Nervousness donít cause that.Lyiní causes cat piss smell.(inhales & exhales audibly) I want to tear this entire fuckiní structure down, huh. Iíll strangle you and throw you off the balcony, you stinkiní little cocksucker, if you donít hurry to tell me where and whatís left of that fuckiní dope that you and that other fuckiní weasel have been slamminí into your dope fiend fuckiní veins during your fuckiní convalescence.

Jimmy:††††††††† God, Mr. Swearengenó


(Al smacks Jimmy hard upside the head, knocks him to the ground)


Al:†††††† Jesus, what a fuckiní stink!Not to mention you kill a fucking chink courier and the headache over that Iím gonna have with fuckiní Wu if I ever get this fucking stench out of my fuckiní nostril.

Jimmy:††††††††† I just shit myself, sir.Iím sayiní it now before the smell gets you.

Al:†††††† You shit yourself?

Jimmy:††††††††† Iím sorry.

Al:†††††† Go ahead, throw yourself off the balcony.

Jimmy:††††††††† Iím gonna crawl, sir.I shouldnít stand.

Al:†††††† Whereís the fucking dope?

Jimmy:††††††††† At Leonís, Iíll show you exactly.Iíll tell you everything.We were four days up in his room.

Al:†††††† Hurry the fuck up.Go on throw yourself, huh?And stay in the fuckiní muck until Iím down there.

Jimmy:††††††††† I just got a splinter the length of my arm in my fuckiní palm.Itís alright.

Al:†††††† Go.Go, Jimmy, come on. Come on, get your shit-smeared ass off my balcony.Go, go, go!


(Jimmy climbs over the balcony railing and falls into the muck.)


Jimmy:††††††††† Ugh!IóI hurt my arm.But Iím okay.

Al:†††††† (points at Jimmy) You fuckiní lie there now.

Jimmy:††††††††† Iím just gonna roll forward so uh, so I donít get trampled.


(Al descending stairsÖ)


Al:†††††† (To Johnny) Jimmy Irons is in the muck.Donít let him scuttle off until Dan emerges with other orders.

Dan:††† Howíd it go with Jimmy?

Al:†††††† Lyiní thieviní cocksucker threw himself off the balcony.Heíll lead you to whatever shithole him and that dope fiend faro dealer from Tolliverís have been usiní to slam Wuís junk into their arms.Change Irons into a pair of the other cocksuckers trousers and bring Ďem both back here, plus whatever dopeís left.

Dan:††† Alright.

Al:†††††† Is that the fuckiní Reverend idliní by the piano?

Dan:††† Yes, sir.

Al:†††††† Has he explained his presence at all?

Dan:††† No, sir.But he ainít been tryiní to lead no lost souls to the Lord.

Al:†††††† So thereís that.


(Dan grabs his hat & leaves, Al approaches the Rev.)


Al:†††††† Reverend.

Rev:††† Uh, Mr. Swearengen.Your new piano plays wonderfully.

Al:†††††† Ainít it delightful?(To the piano player) Dave, go get a free touch from Wanda, huh?(To the Rev) Whatís the matter with your eye?

Rev:††† I-Iím not certain.Somethingís been amiss the last week or so.

Al:†††††† Anyways, not wanting to give offense, would you mind me asking you to frequent another joint?

Rev:††† No.No, I understand.

Al:†††††† A man of the cloth slows business down, huh?

Rev:††† I-I understand, certainly. (Rev gets up from his chair with some trouble)

Al:†††††† Hey, what Ė whatís that then, hmm?

Rev:††† Something amiss with my leg, as well.(Al takes his arm and walks him to the door)

Al:†††††† Ah.How you dealiní with the fits, huh?

Rev:††† Nothing amiss with those.They come with some regularity.

Al:†††††† My brother suffered them.

Rev:††† Did he?

Al:†††††† Any case, donít take me for inhospitable.Off hours, any purpose you want to visit, hmm (drinking motion), hmm? (fucking motion) Incognito or the like, Iíll be happy to make it work.

Rev:††† I just happened to hear the piano.

Al:†††††† Alright, Minister.

Rev:††† Alright, Mr. Swearengen.


(Reverend leaves, Al turns around and walks across room)


Al:†††††† Fuckiní new piano.


(Hostetler walks into the hardware store)


Sol:††††† Afternoon.(Seth rises)

Seth:†† Afternoon, Hostetler.

Hostetler:†††† Afternoon.Now, I got other interests in my property.Ifín you want it, better make a offer.

Seth:†† Iím not gonna make an offer today.

Hostetler:†††††† Mmm.How much time would you need?

Seth:†† I donít know, Hostetler.I said when I was ready Iíd be by to you.You donít want to rush me.

Hostetler:†††† I was giving you first opportunity.No one is rushing you.

Seth:†† Alright.

Hostetler:†††† Fair offer from other interests, Iím gonna take it.

Seth:†† (Impatiently) Alright, Hostetler.

Hostetler:†††† Iíll be haviní a pick ax.

Sol:††††† Bargain at seven dollars.


(Joanieís room Ė thereís a knock on the door)


Joanie:Itís open.

Eddie: Hi ya, kid.

Joanie: ††††††††† Hi, Eddie.(They hug)

Eddie: Did that bloodstain get you the special rate?

Joanie:††††††††† (chuckles) Have a seat, Eddie.Iíd offer you a drink, but I donít have any booze.

Eddie: Settle on a location for you new place yet?

Joanie:††††††††† Iím looking.

Eddie: Good.

Joanie:††††††††† Thatís a lie.

Eddie: As long as itís the only one you ever told me.

Joanie:††††††††† I donít want Cy to back me, and I donít know how to do anything without him.

Eddie: Iíll back you.

Joanie:††††††††† You donít have that kind of money.

Eddie: I will.

Joanie:††††††††† You gonna turn prospector, Eddie?

Eddie: Iím gonna rob Cy.

Joanie:††††††††††† Donít Eddie.Heíll know.

Eddie: Whatís the time, kid?(Joanie looks in her hip pouch Ė no watch)No, he wonít.


(Back in Alís office with Jimmy Irons, Leon seated, Dan and Johnny standing guard, Al

sitting at his desk.)


Al:†††††† I do business with this fucking man.Wu does 50 fuckiní things for me.You rob his fucking courier and kill the cocksucker.What the fuck do I do with you, huh?

Leon:Iím so fucked up, Mr. Swearengen.I canít make a case for myself.

Al:†††††† Well, what would you want to say?From you, I have received no service of any kind at any point.That chair would make a better spy.(Kicks chair Leon is sitting in hard, it tips over.)


Jimmy:††††††††† Iíve worked hard for you, Mr. Swearengen.My habitís a fuckiní curse.

Leon:Oh, God.I wish to fuck I never took up opium in my life.

Jimmy:††††††††††† If somethiní might persuade you, Mr. Swearengen, to say you couldnít find us and give us a dayís start out of fuckiní camp. You got almost half the dope back, maybe a little less.

Al:†††††† So I give him a little less than half the dope, which you beiní the cat piss stinkiní liars you are, heíll probably draw a picture explaining itís ten percent of the dope.And then Iíll probably draw a picture for him, portraying myself a cunt!ďCause in that chink mind of his, Iím supposed to bring you to him for his pigís fuckiní supper.

Jimmy:††††††††† Please fuckiní God, Mr. Swearengen, donít give us to Wu for his pigs.

Leon:(Gags, spews vomit across the floor, sobs)


(Al nods to Johnny, Johnny looks at Dan, Dan motions to Johnny, Johnny points to

Himself, ďwho me?Ē walks to Jimmy Irons and taps him on the shoulder, points to the

vomit on the floor, hands him a towel.Johnny, all proud of himself, hooks his thumbs

in his suspenders and rocks on his heels.)



Mr. Wu: (phonically again-sorry!) Wey!As sign a! Dit toy bin do wa!Ne fie di ja oh wa ne fie de wa!

Al:†††††† Weíre here to be overcharged on some fuckiní meat.Will your chink highness fucking permit us to go inside and get robbed blind on a side of elk?


(Mr. Wu unlocks the door of the meat locker and motions them inside)


Al:†††††† I found the cocksuckers that stole your dope and thatís whatís left of the fuckiní shipment.(Shows Mr. Wu the ball of dope Ė swaddled in burlap)

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Cocksuckas!(Slit motion across neck)

Al:†††††† Oh, yeah, Iím all fuckiní for it, Wu.But neither of us would have reached our present comfortable position freezing our balls off if we didnít understand you canít cut the throat of every cocksucker whose character it would improve.

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Cocksucka! (Slit throat motion again)

Al:†††††† Yeah, well, what happens after the white cocksuckers throats have been cut and two dozen more white cocksuckers get their loads on and decide to teach you and all you chink friends a fuckiní lesson?Whoís gonna walk away from that get together, huh, Wu?

Mr. Wu:††††††††† Cocksucka!

Al:†††††† Yeah, cocksucker.Sweígen bring you cocksucker.

Mr. Wu:††††††††† (sighs) Sweígen.

Al:†††††† But only one, Wu.One cocksucker, not two.(Holds up fingers to illustrate)

Mr. Wu:††††††††† (Breathing heavily) Cocksucker (slits throat) One.No two.(Holds fingers up to illustrate like Al did)

Al:†††††† I give up two whites for one chink.When theyíre finished stringiní you up, theyíll come get me.(Points to meat) How much?

Mr. Wu:††††††††† (Shakes head no, motions to meat) Sweígen.


(Al bows head to Mr. Wu, Dan unhooks the meat while Mr. Wu exits the meat locker)


Al:†††††† Even money thisíll end up a fuckiní blood bath.


(They exit the meat locker, Al speaks in a louder tone than normal)


Al:†††††† Every fuckiní time I come with one price in mind and leave having paid in double.How does this Wu do it to me, huh?

Dan:††† Think the chinks understand you?

Al:†††††† (Talking normally) They understand my fuckiní attitude, that heís a fuckiní wily big shot.Builds him up amongst his people.(lowers his voice) Take them two dope fiends over to the baths while I converse with Tolliver over which one gets murdered, huh?


(Al walks over to Mr. Wu, holds up one finger, Mr. Wu nods yes, Al holds up two fingers,

Mr. Wu shakes his head no Ė reluctantly.)


Dan:††† Itís a nice piece of meat.

Al:†††††† So cut a piece off for yourself.Put the rest in the cellar, then take them hoople-heads over to the baths.

Dan:††† (Loudly Ė to Mr. Wu) Nice Meat!


(Dan leaves.Mr. Wu looks at his men and walks towards them, yelling (phonically again

As much as I could getĖ sorry!))


Mr. Wu:††††††††† A Lealila e fong goon ga doa gwee erÖ.


(Al enters the Bella Union, Cy is standing at the bar with his back to the door, smoking a

cigar and nursing a whiskey)


Al:†††††† If itís your missing faro dealer youíre drinking over, he just threw up in my office.

Cy:††††† (snickers) Had you been shariní space with him a while?

Al:†††††† Only long enough to find out him and a fellow dope fiend works for me robbed and murdered a chink opium courier.

Cy:††††† Oh, Leon, Leon, Leon.Second best thimble rigger I ever saw when he wasnít chasiní the dragon.

Al:†††††† You do realize Iím presentiní you with a mutual fuckiní problem.

Cy:††††† Which I expectís a little ways down the road, so Iím waxiní philosophical Ďtil you tell me what the fuck you want.

Al:†††††† I made a deal with the boss chink to give him one of the two dope fiends.

Cy:††††† Oh.Do I assume some piece of the opium this courier bore was intended for you?Ah, so you got a reason to keep the chink boss happy.I donít, so I can stand on principle.

Al:†††††† Whatís your fuckiní principle?

Cy:††††† A white dope fiendís still white.I donít deliver white men to chinks.

Al:†††††† Leaving me with a bag of shit to hold.

Cy:††††† Well, maybe you should think harder about traffickiní in fuckiní junk.

Al:†††††† Iím a purveyor of spirits, Cy, dope fuckiní included, and when chance affords, a thief, but I ainít no fuckiní hypocrite.

Cy:††††† (sighs) I think weíre done, Al.But in my line, Iím used to certain types thinkiní they need the last word.

Al:†††††† My last word is the fuckiní bag manís here from Yankton, so get up your fuckiní share.(He leaves)

Cy:††††† (To the bartender) Whereís fuckiní Joanie stayiní?

Bartender:††††† I donít know, Cy.

Cy:††††† Ah, donít fuckiní lie to me.

Bartender:††††† I donít know.

Cy:††††† tsk.Well, if you see her at whatever fuckiní place you donít know where sheís stayiní at, tell her I have some good fuckiní news for her about upcoming real estate availabilities.If sheíd ever show up to hear about it.Okay?

Bartender:††††† Sure, boss.

Cy:††††† Thank you.


(Piano playing, the Reverend is back at the Gem sitting next to the piano, kicking his

heels to the floor in time with the music, ecstatic look on his face.The whores are

playing ring around the drunk guy, Trixie walks down the stairs and sees the Rev, Jewel

walks in.)


Johnny:That ainít right, see.My father was a preacher of the word and that ainít fuckiní right.


(Doc is checking snatches, the whores are giggling and making fun of the Rev.)


Whore:So this what itís come to in Deadwood, hey, Doc?Ministers kickiní up their heels and china men walking through the front door.

Doc:††† (To blonde whore after heís done checking her snatch) You know, when you giggle, you leak piss.

Trixie: Poor fucking man.

Doc:††† Lemme see your arm

Trixie: Itís fine, Doc, itís better.


(Brunette whore crouching and pulling at her eye, laughing)


Doc:††† Quit acting like a goddamn fool and sit down.


(Whores are still playing ring around the drunk, the Rev is kicking his heels in time to the

music, laughing, having a grand old time.One of the whores pinches his cheek.)


Al:†††††† (Yelling) Get the fuck away from him!Shut that fuckiní piano down!Hey, big time!Fuck Ďem or get the fuck out!Did we not come to an understanding?

Rev:††† In what connection, sir?

Al:†††††† In the connection of you staying the fuck out of here.

Rev:††† I donít recall that, sir.Do you wish me to leave?

Al:†††††† Yeah, I wish you to fuckiní leave.Write yourself a note and hang it over your one good fuckiní eye. Stay out of Al Swearengenís joint.

Rev:††† Alright, sir.

Al:†††††† And stay the fuck out of the Gem, what ever my fuckiní problem is, hmm?

Rev:††† I was drawn to the music.The piano uh, relieves my headache.

Al:†††††† You listen to a piano where you donít make a fuckiní ass out of yourself, huh?(Al walks to the bar)

Rev:††† Do you know where I might find one?

Al:†††††† No!(To Johnny) Help him the fuck out, huh?(Johnny nods head Ė goes to the Rev Ė Al sees the Doc, motions him to the back.)

Johnny:†††††††††† (To the Rev) Mmm. (Takes him by the elbow and escorts the Rev out, on the way they pass Jewel and her and the Rev look at each other.)


Al:†††††† What the fuck was that?

Doc:††† Heís haviní changes in his brain.

Al:†††††† I hope to Christ heís having changes.Iíd hate to think of him conducting performances like that of secret evenings in the forest and the like.

Doc:††† Well, Iím certain now itís a tumor.

Al:†††††† Well, that caused the fits too, huh?

Doc:††† Yes.

Al:†††††† You notice now, too, heís stariní cockeyed?He was in here not two hours ago.Donít fuckiní remember.Nothiní to be done, huh?

Doc:††† No.

Al:†††††† Well, he ainít cominí back in my joint.Heís a fuckiní man of the cloth in case he forgets.Kickiní up his legs like a four-bit strumpet.Howís Trixieís spirits seem to you?

Doc:††† Her abscess seems fine.

Al:†††††† That ainít what I asked.

Doc:††† And I donít answer for the state of peopleís spirits.


(The Doc walks out, Al throws the spices(?) that he picked up off the table upon entering

back down on the table.Struts out to the bar.)


Al:†††††† (Yelling) Come on!Buy a drink!Get your pricks sucked!Spend some fuckiní money, huh?


(Seth and Sol on their porch)


Seth:†† It ainít circumstance.Itís my own fuckiní mettlesome nature.

Sol:††††† Far as what?

Seth:†† What Iíve done, Sol.And you have to admire me for it - is moved 300 miles to set the dame situation up I left Montana to get away from.Drawiní up proposals for refuse disposal.

Sol:††††† Unsolicited.

Seth:†† Insulted Hostetler out of my own fuckiní irritability.

Sol:††††† I believe Hostetlerís had worse afternoons.

Seth:†† Wife and child I barely know.

Sol:††††† I donít guess you need me to say it.If thereís a heaven, your brother sees what you did and heís grateful.

Seth:†† Maybe he sees me borrowing his life so I didnít have to live my own.

Sol:††††† People have made good lives out of borrowed ones before.But she is a beautiful woman.


Al:†††††† Them stuffed envelopes for them cunts at the legislature, past smoothiní the road for the campís annexation they were supposed to clear up a personal situation.But that letter you bore from the magistrate explained my situation would need additional envelopes.

Silas:†† Not my problem.

Al:†††††† But youíd understand how a man would feel aggrieved, learning that he bribed a legislator to annex a camp, but hadnít got the sold-out cocksuckers to lift the murder warrant against him, how heíd feel that he spent a lot of time and trouble and expense for the privilege of getting hanged?

Silas:†† Not so far Iíd excuse him motherfuckiní me that only bore the message.
Al: ††††† No.
Silas:†† Iím here to take your message back to the magistrate.
Al: ††††† Who Iíd be surprised is a lyiní thieviní double crossing cocksucker only in his

dealinís with me?
Silas:†† Yeah, Magistrate Claggett is a cocksucker.
Al: ††††† And.
Silas:†† Make your offer.

Al:†††††† How can I prove youíre not here to catch me in a switch?

Silas:†† Iím not here to prove shit to you.

Al:†††††† Does it matter to you the cocksucker the warrantís out on me for killing needed murderiní every fuckiní day he drew breath?

Silas:†† No.

Al:†††††† Good.Gotta go to the bathhouse.You want to accompany me?No oneís looking to fuck you up the ass.I gotta execute someone.


(Silas does a shot and gets up, they leave.)


Al:†††††† Hereís the situation.Two dope fiends rob and murder an opium courier.Dope fiends are white, opium courierís a chink.

Silas:†† So far, who cares?

Al:†††††† The chink who paid for the delivery is a boss amongst his own, goes berserk.Matter of indifference still, huh?Some of the dope should have been delivered by the boss chink to a pillar of the white community, a wonderful man.One of the dope fiends works for a clever cocksucker who could be considered his rival, and who is watching this from his balcony as we speak.Thank you for not looking.The boss chink wants to feed both dope fiends to his pigs.

Silas:†† No.

Al:†††††† Would you give him one?

Silas:†† Is the boss chink the only source of opium in the camp?

Al:†††††† Yup.

Silas:†† Any other business connections with the white pillar?

Al:†††††† Several.

Silas:†† Iíd give him one.Let the dope fiends draw fuckiní straws.

Al:†††††† Clever cocksucker wonít consent to that.Donít want his man in a lottery.That could deliver him to a chink.

Silas:†† Is the clever cocksucker spoiling for a fight?(They continue their walk to the bathhouse)

Cy:††††† Al!What you asked for earlier?(Throws down bag of bribe money at their feet)I suspect thatís who itís intended for.

Al:†††††† Smart thinkiní.


(Silas bends over and picks up the bag)


Cy:††††† This is Lilah.Say hello to the fellas, Lilah.

Lilah:Hello, fellas.

Al:†††††† Speaks, too.Be a big earner for you, Cy.(They continue to the bathhouse)

Al:†††††† Maybe he is spoiliní for a fight.

Silas:†† Felt that way to me.(They stop)

Al:†††††† No one asked you how it felt.My moneyíd be on him trying to put the chink boss in the wrong eyes of the camp.Anyways, Thank God I donít have to rely on you to formulate my plan of action.You with me?

Silas:†† Yeah, Iím with you.


(They walk to the bathhouse)



Jimmy:††††††††† Mr. Swearengen.Al, we are good and fucked up.We are fucked up, Mr. Swearengen.What have we been sayiní repeatedly, Dan?

Dan:††† Alís a good guy.

Jimmy:††††††††††† Uh, that youíd fuckiní allow us your works here and us periodically fixiní the entire time weíre in the fuckiní tub, after how we inconvenienced you and fucked you up.Fucked up out own fuckiní lives from the time I was a fuckiní child.


Jimmy:††††††††† Thank you, Mr. Swearengen, and you are a good guy.)


(Al looks back at Silas like ďcan you believe this motherfucker?Ē Ė Jimmy splashes Leon)


Leon:Thank you, Al.

Al:†††††† One of you is gonna have to apologize to Wu.

Jimmy:††††††††††† Uh, apologize?

Leon:Iíll apologize.Bring that slant-eyed bastard over here.He can get in the fuckiní tub with me. Iíll apologize and then Iíll kiss him.And then Iíll tie him off and Iíll shoot him up and then Iíll blow him with fuckiní soap.

Al:†††††† Weíre gonna draw straws to see who goes over to see Wu.

Leon:We go there?I withdraw my volunteer.I am comfortable where I am.

Al:†††††† Youíre gonna pick a straw, Jimmy.

Jimmy:††††††††††† Well Ė well, when you say apologize, sir, could you be specific whatís gonna happen?

Al:†††††† Short straw apologizes.

Jimmy:††††††††††† But then what the fuck is Wu gonna do?

Al:†††††† I worked it out with Wu.

Jimmy:††††††††††† So, uh, our apologyís gonna be enough?

Leon:We happen to be fuckiní white.And in case you hadnít noticed, he happens to be a fuckiní slant-eyed fuckiní celestial.Heís lucky to get a fuckiní apology.Heís lucky weíre williní to do even that.

Jimmy:††††††††††† Well Ė well, why do I pick?

Leon:Iíll pick. (Puts hand out) I donít fuckiní mind.Donít be fuckiní afraid.You be fuckiní afraid your whole life of every fuckiní thing.You want me to pick, Al? Iíll pick.And then Iíll blow myself with fuckiní soap.

Al:†††††† Pick, Jimmy.

Jimmy:††††††††††† Show me. Uh, would you show me the straws, please, sir? So IóSo I know oneís long and oneís short.

Al:†††††† Pick.

Jimmy:††††††††††† Can I get off again first?


(Al shakes his head no, Jimmy hesitantly reaches for a straw, picks one, looks at Leon)


Leon:Is that the short one?Or the long one?


(Al throws the other straw to the ground, grabs Jimmyís feet, forcing him underwater, Al puts his foot on Jimmyís throat, Jimmy struggles trying to grab Alís leg.)


Al:†††††† Do not throw up.I donít want to smell your stink!


(The Reverend enters the hardware store)


Sol:††††† Reverend Smith.

Rev:††† Evening, sir.(Breathing heavily Ė through entire conversation, advances toward Sol.Turns to Seth) Evening.

Seth:†† Reverend.

Rev:††† I watched goods in the tent this uh, this structure replaced while Messerís Bullock and Star first took in the camp.

Seth:†† You sure did.

Sol:††††† What can we do you for you, Reverend?

Rev:††† Iím in a quandary, gentlemen.Are you Messerís Bullock and Star?

Sol:††††† In the flesh.


(Seth gets up from his desk to stand next to Sol, crossing his arms on the way.)


Rev:††† You are the absolute images of them, gentlemen.But what makes me afraid is I do not recognize you as my friends.And, naturally, I am afraid.

Sol:††††† What are you afraid of, sir?

Rev:††† I donít know whatís happening to me.I have various ailments, and I suppose this is a further ailment, but of what sort, I donít know.And Iím afraid if you are devils, whichówhich I donít believe you are, because you were the kindest men of all in the camp to me.But if you were devils, I suppose thatóthat would be the-the-the type of shape you would take, and Ė and if you are not devils, IÖThen I amóI am simply losing my mind.And with my other ailments, I am concerned and afraid.

Sol:††††† Alright, Reverend.

Seth:†† Weíre the people you met the night you watched our goods.Iím from Etobicoke, Ontario.

Sol:††††† Iím from Vienna, Austria.


(The Reverendís face lights up.)


Rev:††† Wonderful.

Seth:†† Youíre here with friends.

Rev:††† Yes.Yes, I feel that now.And I have various ailments of which we all suffer.

Sol:††††† And next morning, often finds us feeling better.

Rev:††† Yes.In any case, part of Godís plan.

Seth:†† May we walk you back to your tent, sir?

Rev:††† (The Reverend smiles) An evening stroll with friends.I would do enjoy that.

Sol:††††† Letís go then.


(They get their hats, Seth gets his jacket as well and blows out the oil lamp, taking a lantern with him. Sol takes the Rev by the shoulder and guides him out to the porch)


Rev:††† Mr. Swearengenís saloon has a new piano.


(Seth locks up, Sol pats the Rev on the back, Seth walks to the Revís other side and pats his back)


(Back at the bathhouse, Jimmyís almost done drowning.)

Al:†††††† You tell your boss.Tell him what you saw here, huh?

Leon:I saw a fair procedure.(Reaches for dope) I saw a fair procedure, Al, to tell Mr. Tolliver.(Al drops the finally dead Jimmyís legs,punches Leon) Agh!

Al:†††††† Do not fucking call me Al!(Al shakes his hands dry.Does anyone else hear Paul Simon playing in their heads?ďYou can call me Al, call meÖĒ)

Leon:Aw.Ugh.(crying) Aw, aw.


(Silas, still stone faced, turns and leaves with Al.Dan pushes up his sleeves and grabs

Jimmy from the bathtub.)



Al:†††††† I guess Tolliver achieved his purpose standing on that balcony.(Silas gives Al Cyís bribe bag.)

Silas:†† Whyíd you kill your own guy?

Al:†††††† Why?

Silas:†† You give Tolliverís dope fiend to the boss chink instead of your own guy, gives Tolliver the opening to make the boss chink look wrong in the eyes of the whites.

Al:†††††† He can go to war with me and make me out a chink lover.What if my guy had drawn the long straw?


(Dan comes out of the bathhouse with a dead Jimmy wrapped in swaddling over his



Silas:†† I guess heíd have been shit out of luck.

Al:†††††† (To Dan) Mr. Adams doesnít think there was a long straw.Mr. Adams, Mr. Dority.

Silas:†† Silas.

Dan:††† Dan(Dan shifts Jimmy and offers his hand Ė they shake)

Al:†††††† Silas, life your lid.(Silas takes off his hat) Yeah.Get a fuckiní haircut.Looks like you mother fucked a monkey.

(Al walks off with Dan following him.Silasí butler joins him on the porch of the



Al:†††††† Wu!Hereís that cocksucker to apologize.(Lifts the sheet from Jimmyís face)

Dan:††† Say youíre sorry, Jimmy!


(Dan throws Jimmy to the pigs.The pigs start squealing.)


Mr. Wu:††††††††† (Puts right hand over his left fist) Sweígen.

Al:†††††† (returns the gesture) Yeah.Sweígen hopes we ainít signed ourselves up for killiní, too.



Timothy Olyphant

Seth Bullock

Ian McShane

Al Swearengen

Molly Parker

Alma Garret

Jim Beaver


Brad Dourif

Doc Cochran

John Hawkes

Sol Star

Paula Malcomson


Leon Rippy

Tom Nuttall

William Sanderson

Eustis Baily (E.B.) Farnum

Robin Weigert

Calamity Jane

W. Earl Brown

Dan Dority

Dayton Callie

Charlie Utter


Nick Amandos


Sean Bridgers

Johnny Burns

Larry Cedar


Kim Dickens

Joanie Stubbs

Richard Gant


Meghan Glennon


Monty 'Hawkeye' Henson


Ricky Jay

Eddie Sawyer

Geri Jewell


Jeffrey Jones

A.W. Merrick

Ray McKinnon

Reverend H.W. Smith (as Raymond McKinnon)

Dean Rader-Duval

Jimmy Irons (as Dean Radar Duval)

Ralph Richeson


Teresa Shae


Gene Thatcher


Bree Seanna Wall

Sophia Metz

Titus Welliver

Silas Adams

Keone Young

Mr. Wu

 Publicity images & episode content © 2004 Home Box Office. All Rights Reserved. HBO and Deadwood are service marks of Home Box Office, Inc. Transcript © 2004 Cristi H. Brockway. The copyright claimed by Cristi H. Brockway herein is solely on her personal contribution of material not contained in the episode from which this transcript was compiled. Any commercial use of this transcript is expressly prohibited.